ADVENT III

December 13, 2009

St. Augustine Anglican Church

“He that judgeth me is the Lord.”

The Rev. Gerald E. Parks +

          Anyone who has studied for Sacred Orders in the Church, including myself, understands the difficulties of that task.  And chief among them is not the course of study itself: chapters read, tests taken or the discipline involved in maintaining a prayerful and meditative life.  It is, rather, the sense of isolation and personal unworthiness brought about by seeing oneself (perhaps for the first time) from the perspective of personal failures and shortcomings.  It is as though we become aware of the events of our life, greatly enlarged and in high definition; and we begin to see clearly what we have been, and what we must become.  To be sure, it can be a frightening prospect, but a necessary one if we are to serve God and God’s people, as we are called to do.

          Certainly, this seeing of oneself in a new light is part of the process called discernment.  It is not easy, and for some it can be a kind of “dead end,” but along with prayer and study, and (most of all) discipline, it draws us closer to the Person of Jesus, and through Him we receive the insights needed for our own personal servant-hood.  Along with all this is another source of anguish, that if allowed to fester and grow can lead to the early termination of our preparations.  And that is the nagging doubts we may have about our ability and worthiness to carry it through.  And although Satan’s role in using these doubts and worries to his own advantage is apparent, it is clear that in order to serve God one has also to learn to combat the devil and all his works.

St. Paul was certainly not shy about expressing and defending his beliefs, but even he was challenged in his faith at times; and it gave him great anguish.  But he learned a simple truth, as all who serve Christ in whatever capacity must learn: to do the best we can, as God gives us the ability, and to not judge ourselves or others too harshly.  It is as he said in today’s Epistle (1 Cor. 4: 1-5), “It is a very small thing that I should be judged of you, or of man’s judgment: yea I judge not mine own self. For I know nothing against myself; yet am I not hereby justified: bur he that judgeth me is the Lord.” (1 Cor. 4: 3-4)

          It may be hard for us today to wrap our minds around the idea that there were many in the Church at Corinth who didn’t much care for St. Paul; and they were very vocal about it.  We may speculate about the reasons for this dislike, but we know that the warring factions within the Corinthian Church were a constant source of concern and irritation to him.  Yet, St. Paul knew that what he did was right and just, the fulfillment of his commission from Christ Himself.  So he rose above the criticism of others, and above his own doubts concerning his abilities, and persevered, doing the best he could to complete the work he had been given to do, even unto death.  We should all learn something of discipleship from his example.

          None of us will probably face the challenges St. Paul faced, just as none of us will probably do the great things he did.  But rest assured, the challenge each of us faces to do the work of an evangelist is just as important and just as inspired of God as his was.  There are differences, though, the greatest one being how we answer God’s call.  Some won’t even hear the call: they are so noisy they seldom hear anything but the sound of their own voices.  Others, hearing the call, will ignore it: they are just too busy with worldly concerns to answer this call.  And still others, instead of saying yes to their call will put it off (I was one of those), hoping it will go away, or come later when they are more prepared, and it is more convenient for them.  But God is not so easily put off as that: He has work for us to do, and putting Him on hold (so to speak) will not get us off His “hook.”  The calls will keep on coming until finally we tell God “no,” or (as in my case) until we give in and do as He asks.

          My first call to the priesthood came when I was fifteen.  I knew what it was, and I wanted to respond; but being young and immature, I didn’t know how, and frankly, it scared me.  After that the calls came with some regularity – some strong and others gentle – but I finally convinced myself – being married and with children by then – that it was no longer possible for me to do what I was being asked, and that it had probably been just a matter of an overactive imagination anyway.  The problem was, the idea never really left my head, and I kept wondering what I had missed, and what it would have been like if I had been able to do it.  What a shock it was when, at the age of fifty “something,” I got the strongest call I had ever received!  This one was so strong that it was more like a command than a call, and felt much like a sharp slap to the back of the head, or a kick in the pants would feel.  This time God had my attention, and I listened, and then I agreed.  But I told God of all my misgivings, and said, “Lord I will try to do what you ask, but you have to show me how.”  And He did.  And He keeps on showing me “how,” even today.  So if you have any complaints, please take it up with the Lord: this wasn’t my idea!

          So often, I’m convinced, we are too hard on ourselves and on others.  When we base our rightful service to God on what others may think of us or, worse, limit our service by reason of our doubts about our abilities or personal worthiness to serve, we do a disservice to both God and ourselves.  God has a plan for each of us; but ultimately, it is we ourselves who must allow Him to implement His plan in our lives.  And that goes back to the relationship we forge with God through our prayers and by our actions.  It is a personal relationship, and it is based in love.  St. Paul had that kind of relationship with the Risen Lord, and he was given a great task – to carry the “Good News” of Jesus to the borders of the known world, and beyond.  And he did that in spite of difficulties of all kinds and in spite of the criticisms leveled at him by those whose self-serving views blinded them from seeing the holiness of his mission.

          Not everyone in this world will love us, and not all will agree with us; but in many ways, we are often our own worst enemies.  As followers of Jesus, we are (as St. Paul was) ultimately responsible only to God for completing the work He has given us to do, even it sometimes takes a “kick in the pants” to get us started.  For as St. Paul wrote, “He that judgeth me is the Lord.”